A week behind....

I turned up today at the Royal Marsden eager to take my medicine, only to be told that my neutrophils (part of the white cell count) are down again and that I have to wait until next week for cycle three. It's so annoying! Just when the chemo is working I'm chucked off the wagon.

My neutrophil count is 0.78 and it needs to be 1.5 for them to go ahead with the chemo. Last time when the chemo had to be held back a week my count was 0.5 and I felt exhausted. This time around I feel fine, or I did until the doctor told me the news. I do feel a bit tired now. It's the nocebo effect - the pessimistic opposite of a positive placebo effect. Aaaargh!!

The doctor was very sympathetic and explained that this isn't bad news, or a set back. It's just an effect of the chemo, and that I mustn't get anxious. Her telling me this really did calm me down. I also had my friend Indi with me, who made all the right noises as well as buying me a cheese toastie. Thanks mate!

It's yet another reminder that I can't plan a single thing while I'm on this regime. After seeing the Professor on Monday, I've been checking out the calendar and counting the days down until this treatment finishes. It was going to be February 15th, and in my mind I could then have a break from chemo. I'm going to have to resist this countdown approach. It's like sitting in the chemo chair. It's bearable as long as I am in the moment. If I start anticipating the end, then the wait, the smell, the inactivity - it all is overwhelming.

I have to stay focused on the present, not on the future and not wish my life away. My life isn't awful because I'm doing chemo. But I could make it awful by going on about it. I will finish the Doxorubicin programme when it's finished. I'm going to try and limit my planning to that.... as. best. as. I. can.....